I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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