I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
its liver damage thursday
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
