You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
