Fine. I'll sleep in my office
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
