i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
