she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
