My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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