i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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