Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
