dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
