hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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