A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
