I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
