Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
