Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
