I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
