So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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