i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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