all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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