Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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