My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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