I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
