Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
