wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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