Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
