Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I'm getting married
To pizza
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
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