the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
