just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
