Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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