He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
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