just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
