We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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