he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
