Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
