Capitaan dildo arrescate!
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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