I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
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Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
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Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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