You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
