Your dad touched me again.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
