She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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