no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
