Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
