Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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