oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
