I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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