haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
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No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
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Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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