everyone is single if you try hard enough
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
