I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
