Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
