I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Let's get the cat blown out
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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