john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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