You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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