So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Its about making memories worth repressing
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Randomize
