we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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