FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
