I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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