I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
