R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
