Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
