my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
