i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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