my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
