So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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