I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
