____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
where does the pee come out of this thing
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
