Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
